Red Star Sconationnalez breakaway

Red Star Sconationnalez’s audacious bid to break away from the Westminister premiership comes to a head today as the club and its supporters vote on whether or not to set up a rival league with the Albainian All Stars, Kosovo Krusaders, and the Montenegro Molotovs.

Characteristically, Red Star Sconationnalez striker Axel Slammin was playing his usual aggressive game, with the BBC News PPE first choice striker, Niko Robinhio, feeling Slammin’s sharpened Scottish studs with a series of horrific two footed tackles at their recent impromptu kick around in the Edinburgh Airport departure lounge.

All the Westiminister Premiership heavyweights have been north of the border this week in a variety of attempts to claim valuable column inches to further their own twisted agendas. At the fore front of this was Hilario Farragusto who made a brave attempt to push the boundaries of hypocrisy to new levels by accusing Axel Slammin of inciting hatred against a foreign country.

A cross party Westminister black ops squad, headed by the Eton Rangers starting eleven, were reported to have been active in territory north of Carlisle in an attempt to directly engage Red Star’s support base and derail Slammin’s audacious plans. However, it was suggested that due to the difficulty in obtaining insurance cover for these high net worth individuals that each person was substituted at a late stage by a life size cardboard cut out, a fact that is supported by the uncharacteristically low number of reportable gaffs during their speeches. Conversely, many people who attended these speeches were reported to say that they were refreshingly full of common sense.

Dynamo Labourista even went as far as to send their second and third teams up to the scuffling Edinburgh epicentre of divisive madness, which a Brewers Green insider was quoted as calling “Operation Lambs to the Slaughter”. You may be pleased to know that as we go to print all but eight MP’s are now accounted for and are back in Westminster after successfully avoiding capture and catching the train home (this time in first class due to security concerns as there were no photographers present for the return trip).

Slammin was highly visible throughout the day and gave a number of drive-by press conferences to some suspiciously partisan spur of the moment crowds waving flags with his picture on. “I ‘ain’t promising you the Earth,” he shouted, before then going on to promise them the Earth. A bewildered English looking passer by later took the brunt of Slammin’s nationalistic rhetoric and was brutally impaled by Axel’s vigorously aggressive pointy finger as he raved, “ye can take my wife but ye cannae take my Edam!”, although in our defence his words were partially drowned out by the horn of a crude oil supertanker exiting Scottish territorial waters in a southeasterley direction.

The punch up continues, so watch this space.