Tory Young Boys v Zlatan Skanska FFS. Match Report.

Tory Young Boys fielded a strong side against Zlatan Skanska FFS for this International friendly, hosted by the Swedish constructionistas in their HQ at the Rickmansworth theatre of dreams.

A highly partisan crowd filed into the ground in an orderly fashion to witness this late season friendly, and their diligent adherence to corporate decorum was rewarded with both Cameronaldo and Giorgio Obso being named on the team sheet together, the first time they have started as a strike-pairing this season.

Not everyone in the crowd seemed impressed however, and a number of the home support appeared disappointed that pre-match rumours of a surprise appearance by the James Last big band and happy sound had proven to be inaccurate. It was later reported that the section of the crowd that had to be humanly managed were all contractors, and had only been added to the firm-wide meeting request by mistake.

The game started brightly, with Cameronaldo and Giorgio Osbo combining nicely down the centre right, using tactics that had obviously been well honed on the training ground. They moved the ball fluently between them and around a compliant Skanska FFS defence, before ‘Naldo attempted a long range effort which only just missed the target when he said that he knows what really matters are the people who lie behind the employment figures. It is not known if he was referring to IDS, his under pressure left back also known as Indeep Smit.

Skanska began to push forwards as they started to remember the script, and their well-disciplined midmanagement unit asked a number of questions of the Young Boys’ strike pairing in the middle of the park.

But there was no obvious way around the Young Boys’ front two, and all questions asked of them were answered with the kind of ease that only hours spent rehearsing with the full expected transcript can bring.

The match ended goalless, which is a fair reflection of a game that lacked any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Perhaps next year the beautiful game of football would be better served by just issuing a press release instead.


Fax machine delivery for Brewer’s Green as transfer window opens.

The main reason behind Dynamo Labourista’s recent move to their new Brewer’s Green training ground was to provide their first XI with a lower cost more suitable platform for their 2015 assault on the Westminister Premiership title. Unfortunately, given their recent lack of high profile signings, it would appear that the sub-committee responsible for the move forgot to include one essential piece of hardware on the project plan, the humble fax machine.

It is not a cliche to say that the 1980’s arrival of fax technology into the executive boardroom has revolutionised the business of transfer wheeler-dealing. Gone are the days of a club having to maintain a stable full of thoughroughbred stallions for the inevitable close-of-window fast ride into London, and many of the lofts that were traditionally used to communicate with the player’s agents are now free of birds completely.

But fortune was to smile on the Labourista, and it was reported that they were able to secure a suitable device with a 50% off voucher code from the Staples website.

Millibandini appeared to lose no time in getting it loaded with paper, and sent off a request for an International Clearance to the Westminister Sporting Board for a high profile signing from the American leagues.

Davros A-Rod had been persuaded to switch codes from MLS soccer to premiership football by the Labourista magister of electionology, Doogie Axiomatic. Several Brewer’s Green insiders are reported to have said that that A-Rod had been tapped-up by Millibandini and Axiomatic some time ago, and they were just waiting for the technology to arrive before making the final approach.

It is safe to assume that A-Rod’s signing is partially in response to Cameronaldo’s strengthening of his back office coaching staff, following his recent swoops for Lynching Crosby and Jame “I’m not the Messiah” Messia.

Partisan Libra DC also have their own high profile foreign superstar in the shape of Don Rylan Cortese, whose favoured position seems to be playing quietly through the middle of the park as Clegginigge’s first choice problem solver. Sources close to DCHQ have suggestted that Don Cortese has already acquired a reputation for providing innovative solutions to internal organisational problems, and, as one insider put it, Mr Cortese is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.

It is understood that results will be improving shortly as Cortese is now in regular training with the front bench first team, and has reportedly formed a potent strike partnership with the DC false-nine, Dannie Zander.

At a recent drive-by press conference, the DC first team physio, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, was asked if Partisan stood a chance in the 2015 premiership title race and was quoted as saying, “Yes… I mean, no… I mean, yes.” which shows a significant improvement in confidence that many are attributing to Don Cortese’s arrival.

Elsewhere around the Partisan Libra DC there seems to be an uncharacteristic silence surrounding the club’s operations, with a number of previously outspoken and prominent DC club members all unexpectedly being called away on extended vactions to the countryside, and are not expected back.

The DC veteran midfield general, Vinny Caball, was also unavailable for comment, but it is understood he is currently in Reading after falling asleep on his train journey home, and in his case, that is entirely believable.

We will bring you more innane guess work and unsubstantiated drivel as soon as we hear it, so if you can be bothered, then stay tuned.

Bercorini condemns commons refit proposal


Joni Bercorini has publicly condemned plans by the Blues star striker, Cameronaldo, which we understand to involve a major upgrade of the Commons stadium PA system.

It is believed that Cameronaldo had tasked a team of external consultants to improve the sound quality within the venue, and lead contractor, Lemmy from Motorhead, had put together an audacious plan to install quadrophonic Marshall stacks within each corner of the historic chamber.

The plan had received unilateral cross party support, and had passed the initial committee agreement phase before Bercorini returned early from his holiday home in Lake Como to find a number of roadies colluding with Black Rod to check if the doorways were large enough for the mixing desks and amplifier racks.

Rumour has it that Cameronaldo had initially told his spokesmanship Bercorini that the Commons was looking a little tired, and could benefit from a little “freshening up” with perhaps a few licks of Deep Purple. Bercorini reportedly approved of that and happily signed it off, as purple is a regal colour that would perfectly complement his golden skin tone. Cameronaldo was delighted that the speaker was pleased, and suggested that the best lick of the Purple to go for was the classic original mix of Smoke on the Water, which has a lovely deep tone.

Uncertainty now surrounds the project, and initial reports of The Alan Parsons Project being booked for the official switching-on with a reprise of their first album, Tales of Mystery and Imagination, remain unconfirmed.

It is alleged that Bercorini has put forward a counter proposal involving the redevelopment of the public gallery into a performance space for an acoustic band of wandering minstrels that are currently enjoying his favoured patronage.

The likely outcome to all this is that despite having spent many days in debate, absolutely nothing will happen. In other words, normal business will be resumed shortly.

FC News Internationallez v United Kippers. Match report.

This is the one fixture that is always guaranteed to be a bad tempered festival of grudge, and with both teams going swivelly eyeball to eyeball there was an exceptionally high handbag deployment ratio in this absorbing feast of blame dodging.

It is not a cliché to say that the joyous beauty of football was the loser in all of this, but this is a man’s game; a fact ably demonstrated by the Kippers’ star winger Marta Andreas-Villas-Boas, who made a number of crunching tackles. Even some of her own team felt her studs, with several hobbling off back to their kitchens and bedrooms to recuperate.

In first half stoppage time, Internationallez claimed a goal, courtesy of a calamitous Faragusto back pass which put the Kippers’ first choice keeper, Paolo Nuttini, under immense pressure in the box. Questions as to whether the ball had actually crossed the line remained unanswered, but the News Internationallez players surrounded referee Hunt and managed to persuade him that the award of a goal would be a proper and proportional response wholly in the interest of the general public.

As referee Hunt blew up all hell broke loose as Faragusto put his jihad face on and squared up to the Internationallez strike pairing of Alexi and Kenba Ber. Handbags, shoulder bags and at least one make-up case were seen flying around in the box as Hunt struggled to regain control. Fortunately, the smell of the half time pork pies being heated up took the sting out of the confrontation and allowed referee Hunt to once again keep his cards in his pocket.

As the players left the pitch Faragusto could be heard arguing fiercely with anyone who was willing to listen to him, citing his record-breaking match day work-rate, and in our analysis the Opta stats certainly back that up. They show he has covered more distance than any other first choice striker in the European leagues, although it must be said that Faragusto himself refuses to recognise the stats as they are only listed in kilometres.

The problem Faragusto faces in arguing with the Internationallez is that just about everybody is sick of hearing how hard he works, and many top players on other European teams are worried that it might set a disturbing precedent which the rest of them may have to follow.

It doesn’t help matters that the Kippers’ training ground in Lyminster is available to them rent free, providing they remember to clean the kitchen and don’t mind sharing with the WI on a Thursday and Friday evening. It has since been revealed that the Westminister Sporting Board will look closely at this arrangement, as further damaging claims that the Kippers also enjoy free cakes supplied by the ladies after the Thursday night baking workshop began to circulate in the press.

On the plus side, Faragusto was reported to be relieved that the free cake story only crumbled into the public domain after his Friday evening guest 5-a-side appearance in the Variety League, where he played a solid game as the right sided whipping boy for the HIGNFY Inquisition. It is not known whether the Inquisitor’s star striker, I am Hislop, would be seeking a rematch or not, but it is considered unlikely that Hislop would pass up an opportunity of this quality. We have heard reports that the on-call team of HIGNFY writers have already been dispatched to London W1 by minibus where they are furiously working on gags about grain storage and forgetting to mention that you don’t need to pay the rent.

Incidents littered the second half but no further goals were scored. Despite a number of serious looking injuries and countless off the ball incidents referee Hunt was able to not see the majority of them, although he did tick off the fourth official for failing to properly document his pre match checking of the two goal nets.

Pictures posted on twitter of Cameronaldo, Clegginigge, and Millibandini sharing a family sized bag of popcorn while watching the game on Sky were quickly deleted yesterday evening, but there is no doubt that this whole drama plays into the hands of the other teams, particularly some of the European super-heavyweight clubs, who must be looking on at the Westminister Premiership self-destruction with a distinct sense of schadenfreude.

Financial Fair Play. We are watching.


The Financial Fair Play framework is now in operation within all the Westminister premiership dressing rooms, and we are watching carefully as Cameronaldo, Millibandini, Clegginigge, and Faragusto begin to plan their summer recess transfer strategies.

It is not a cliche to say that the favourite job of a manager during a transfer window is to feed a new roll of paper into a busy fax machine, and it is a little known fact that many of the top premiership managers relax between windows with an audio recording of the anrgy swarm of bees noise that is made when receiving an international clearance from the Westiminister Sporting Board. Add in a well fed transfer kitty and some astute late business and a manager’s season can be prefectly set up for an all out assault on Europe.

Much will depend on Red Star Sconationnalez’s audacious bid to break away from the Westminister premiership, and, as we have previously reported, Red Star are understood to be in advanced talks with Barry Hearn about setting up a rival league with the Albainian All Stars, Kosovo Krusaders, and the Montenegro Molotovs.

With the Red Star board and supporters not due to vote on the proposal until the start of the next season, it is proving difficult for the other current premiership teams to forecast how the potential outcome will affect their summer transfer swoops.

Characteristically, Red Star Sconationnalez striker Axel Slammin was giving nothing away, and spoke after their recent semi-final game against Plaid Cymru in the Mid-Table Anonymity Cup.

“I ‘ain’t giving nothing away,” he shouted at an English looking passer by, before going on to say something that sounded like, “and y’cannae forget about trying to dent your new clear weepings in our fast lane naval bees”, although in our defence his words were partially drowned out by the horn of a crude oil supertanker exiting Scottish territorial waters in a southeasterley direction.

The one certainty for this season’s summer recess is that Faragusto’s squad is going to need a major overhaul if his target of Westminister premiership survival is to be realised. He has been criticised recently for setting up his team only for the European battles and neglecting domestic league and cup action, and the United Kippers’ dressing room could hardly be described as harmonious or single-minded.

Regardless of that, it is results that matter, and the Gameoftwo expects a strong showing next season from Faragusto and team if they can secure some key signings over the summer period. Those are likely to all be on a Bosman given their relative inequity with the top two, but it has been reported that some of the key players’ agents for a number of current Tory Young Boys’, Dynamo Labourista and Partisan Libra DC players are already in talks with the Kippers. Watch this space.

Partisan Libra DC need to be very careful over the coming season, as highlighted by the easy brace Faragusto put past the DC first choice keeper Clegginigge during their recent radio coverage game. Caught off his line twice, they will need to look at their aging defence strategy and need to stop leaking own goals and long-range chips over an easily distracted keeper.

If you have a liking for mindless tedium, then the match report for that fixture is available below in our round up of the midweek games.

Toffs v Teachers 2014. Match report.

This fixture is a traditional part of the Westminister Easter sporting calendar and has been played since 1951 by the Eton Rangers, a one game team assembled with representatives from all parliamentary parties, against a teachers’ invitational XI made up of the great and the good from the educational sporting establishment. Usually televised live by the BBC, this is the first year that it moves to Al Jazeera following the Chancellor’s high profile £500m sale of TV rights for key political matches.

There is a great deal of history associated with this game, particularly the infamous year of the 1990’s Poll Tax riot, which ultimately caused the game to be abandoned due to the severe shortage of Pimms in the central London area. Pimms Saturday, as it became known, still lives on for some Westminister dressing room veterans, and the memory of Big Mick Heseltine loading up his Triumph Stag with a dozen cases of the dark refresher and attempting to break the Trafalgar Square blockade is now the stuff of legend.

Who could forget the grainy old television footage of Big Mick’s Stag as he ploughed through the Militant Tendency, having lost control of his hair in the windy tempest of the Stag’s questionable aerodynamics, shouting “Victory or Westminister Abbey!” Certainly not Thatcher, who reportedly owned a copy of it on both VHS and Betamax, and was understood to consider it his greatest guilty pleasure when Margaret was away on business.

It is not a cliché to say that this match is more a celebration of the beautiful game rather than an occasion to savour the silky skills of the cross party front benches. Stripy blazers, old school ties, brogues and boaters on one terrace. Leather elbows, socks, sandals, cords and plaid on the other. An opportunity for some lively banter between the opposing fans, with the Toff’s home support chanting some of the classics, such as “You’re getting sacked in the morning” and “In your secondary slums” (both available as a Telstar records box set).

This year’s match took an unexpected turn the evening before kick off, with a number of late fitness tests proving calamitous for the Toff’s manager, Joni Bercorini. Injuries to Ballsabio (groin), Cameronaldo (groin), Millibandini (groin), Giorgio Osbo (groin) and Clegginigge (groin) add to the loss of Yvetteotelli who remains suspended for a suspected late challenge next year on Millibandini, and of course Davide Millibandini who famously switched codes after last year’s match to play a game they call Soccer, who is now turning out for the Tracy Island Rockets in the American MLS league.

Bercorini had no option but to turn to one of his bench warming strikers, and Mikaeli Govista got the nod over Arria Armen, who has been out of favour since being photographed drinking jagerbombs at 2am in a nightclub celebrating the Mari Millaclaymovitch red card incident of last week (see previous mid week match report).

Govista was initially thought to be ineligible due to the red card he received for attempting to rap within earshot of the fourth official during the bad tempered Dynamo Labourista match. There followed further protestations from the player that even though he might sound like one, he wasn’t actually a proper toff, so couldn’t possibly play, awfully sorry. He was, in fact, so against institutional elitism that just the very thought of starting the game was causing his ecole-grammaticus to flare up badly, and would they mind if he had the weekend off to take the vapours in Bath Spa? Nothing personal of course dear gentlemen, natch.

Bercorini consulted Cameronaldo on the matter and they both felt that the prospect of losing a key striker on the evening before a match of this importance was unthinkable, particularly in light of the various penalty clauses the Chancellor had been forced to negotiate with Al Jazeera.

The prospect of seeing Govista facing eleven vengeful PE masters guaranteed bums-on-seats, and the pay per view revenue from a number of the less salubrious jurisdictions was a split gate. Bercorini met briefly with the Westminister Sporting Board in the Commons bar shortly before last orders to confirm the starting XI and reinterpret the rules of eligibility accordingly. A spokesman later confirmed that their main responsibility was to provide the maximum value and return for such a high profile taxpayer funded sporting event, and that took precedence over both Govista’s prior infringement and his personal reservations under the principles of natural law. Accordingly, they were delighted to confirm that Govista had been given special dispensation to play.

Govista’s preparations for the match were further compromised by an entirely coincidental practice drill for the special operations division of the Police Parliamentary Protection squad. Govista’s name had been drawn randomly from a hat, and he was therefore required to be the test subject of a new terror alert lockdown protocol which involved him being held overnight in protective custody in a south London safe house.

Fortunately, this drill was scheduled to end five minutes before kick off and the officers were able to deliver Govista to the Corams Field venue just in time for him to join in with the pre-match hand shake. Cameronaldo and Millibandini managed to appear just before the photographers dispersed, and jointly thanked the police special forces for their diligence, once again recognising the commitment and sacrifice of the police and the armed forces in keeping our great nation safe.

As the game neared kick off, Bercorini emerged from the tunnel and immediately took centre stage. His naked body had been coloured with a dark ash from the ceremonial burning of an immense one thousand year old oak tree, with his modesty protected by a specially bred team of stunt peacocks who moved tantalisingly around him, their plumage glistening in the special lighting prepared for this visual feast. Underworld’s ‘Born Slippy’ pumped out of the stadium PA system, and as Bercorini reached his dugout the crowd were stunned into silence as the peacocks peeled away to reveal his bejewelled wrestling trunks. A crown of polished magnesium was lowered onto his head by a precision team of pure white budgerigars and a robe made from delicate whispers of downy fluff that had been ethically harvested from one thousand new born owls was draped around his shoulders.

Fireworks went off around the ground as he lowered himself regally into his trademark gold plated throne, located centrally within his technical area, with his first retinue of favoured attendants sitting slightly behind and below him. A constant supply of quails eggs poached in white truffle oil were individually presented to him by a number of brightly painted underlings, and he quaffed with aplomb from a three quarter sized, Pimms branded, silver pewter tankard (although he was later forced to deny that the tankard actually contained a delightful Chateau Margaux 1995 masquerading as the fruity refresher).

Bercorini, ever the master of being centre of attention, had decided to abandon his favoured 4:2:1:3 system, and we had expected him to match the teachers’ old school 4:4:2 setup. No one was more surprised than Mikaeli Govista to learn that he was to play as the lone striker in a 9:1 formation, tactics last seen used in the Rome Coliseum circa AD70.

Govista was further dismayed as it was announced to the stadium that the usual official for the game, referee Tremenheere (a descendant of the original Seymour Tremenheere and a semi-professional teacher disliker) had been replaced due to his suffering an entirely unavoidable last minute groin injury. Thankfully, Christine Blofeld of the National Union of Teachers was available to step in at short notice, coincidentally having just completed her refereeing badges that very morning with the Pierluigi Correspondence School of Officialistic Studies, and had been given leave by the NUT to temporarily resign her post in order to maintain her impartiality. With no further delay, Blofeld blew up to get us underway at Corams Field.

    Post Match update

I do not feel the need to review proceedings too closely, given the amount of video footage that is now available on youtube, but I should clarify that the Westminister Magister of Clockwork has formally apologised for the coincident failures of the timing system used for the match and also the malfunction of the referee’s two wrist watches. It is exceptional for a game to have had over two hours of time added on, and the Westminister Sporting Board has promised to review its procedures and has taken the precaution of reporting itself to the Parliamentary Standards Review Inquisition.

The Chancellor declared the new match format as an ‘exceptional British success story’ with Al Jazeera reporting audience figures up sixty four percent on last year.

Finally, it should be noted that Govista’s condition is now described as comfortable, and it is hoped he will return to full fitness in time for next year’s match.

Midweek matches and a look ahead to the weekend. April 11

We’ve had a busy week keeping up with all the action from the various leagues.  Here is our weekly roundup of the key games played in the Westmininister Premier, as well as a top of the table clash in the Variety Championship.

It is not a cliche to say that at this stage of the season, every game is a cup final.  In the runup to the summer recess the Westminister Premiership is looking tight, and all the main teams have been guilty of profligate wastage at both ends of the pitch.

The main talking point involves Cameronaldo, tormentor in chief for the Blues against the Dynamo Labourista, being badly fouled whilst menacing the Dynamo box, by his own right back Mari Millaclaymovitch.  Mari had been playing a solid, although somewhat anonymous, game up to that point, but quite what made her sprint 50 yards up the pitch to take out Cameronaldo from behind remains a mystery.

That incident lit the blue touchpaper, as Millaclaymovitch refused to show the referee her shirt number (although this was later denied by her legal team) and just shrugged and walked back up the pitch whilst whistling Parklife by Blur and giving the home fans the finger. Amazing scenes followed as Cameronaldo attempted to distract the ref from pulling out the red by offering Mari his full and unconditional support. We carried out a lip reading analysis of the television footage using the most qualified person we could find at short notice on the Gumtree, and ‘naldo appears to argue that Millaclaymovitch’s actions are just how they roll down the ‘stoke, so chill bro. The incident is brought to an end by some clever off-the-ball tactical play from Mikaeli Govista, who takes one for the team by attempting the Wham rap within earshot of the fourth official, a straight red card offence under the principles of natural law.

Dynamo couldn’t monopolise on the numerical advantage, and yet another nil-nil draw left their manager in a precarious position, particularly as she refused to leave her soundproof box for the entire duration of the game.

Of the other games this week, the highlights were few and far between. Partisan Libra DC continued their race into the relegation places with a shaky display against United Kippers, whose charismatic striker, Hilario Faragusto, caught the DC keeper off his line on two separate occasions to score a brace. Its not the first time that the DC first choice keeper has been chipped this season. In his defence, Cleggenigge claimed that he had been distracted by an injured sparrow on the pitch for the first goal, and the second goal should not have stood due to a suspected pact between Faragusto and the descendants of an ancient Mayan clan of Shamen, who predicted a critical alignment of the solar system would cause micro rays of sun to be reflected from the match ball, hence temporarily blinding him. As he stomped off he could be heard arguing that Faragusto should have been shown a straight red for colluding with an extinct race of ancient beings, or failing that, at least a yellow for the use of aggressive astronomy within the box.

Elsewhere around the Westminister Premiership, discussions are still under way as to whether Red Star Sconationnalez should play a part in next years fixture list or not. Red Star have been in talks with Barry Hearn about setting up a rival breakaway league with the Albainian All Stars, Kosovo Krusaders, and the Montenegro Molotovs, and the club and it’s supporters are due to vote on the proposal at the start of the next season. Red Star Sconationnalez striker Axel Slammin has been quoted as saying that whilst they can take his wife they can’t take his edam, but it was later claimed that the noise of a passing petrol tanker heading south towards Sunderland had caused journalists to misinterpret his words.


The Annulax Variety Championship once again lived up to its reputation for thrills, spills and controversy this week as the Stage Magicians XI took on The Panel Show Comedians for the much anticipated top of the table clash in the BBC’s deserted White City car park.

The magicians took an early lead with some excellent work from Penn and Teller down the left flank, using all their skills in misdirection to fool the Comedians back four into thinking that Teller was about to be run over by a truck. Penn needed no second opportunity to feed a lovely floating ball through to Copperfield, who was playing only his first start since the tiger incident with the Reality TV All Stars, and he slotted home from six yards out past a stunned Donal Macintyre. It has since emerged that first choice keeper Michael Macintyre’s agent had booked the wrong celebrity for the match due to a freak swarm of bees.

The Comedians kept working hard and were awarded a controversial penalty ten minutes from time, as Stewart Lee went down in the box under a challenge from veteran prestidigitator Paul Daniels. A heated discussion ensued as Daniels insisted that Lee had gone down only in an ironic sense, and whilst admirable from an artistic viewpoint, should merit no more than an indirect free kick inside the area. Referee Paxman was having none of that, and after twice punching Daniels in the face he had no further hesitation in pointing to the spot. Later accusations of bias were fiercely denied by referee Paxman, and an incident during a previous game at the White City where a Daniels botched clearance had broken a window on one of Paxman’s vintage Aston Martins did not play a part in the award of the penalty.

Up stepped the Comedians top scorer, Sarah Millican, who faced David Blaine. The Magicians star keeper had kept twelve consecutive clean sheets and as Millican aimed an almost perfect strike towards the top corner he somehow managed to get a hand to it and tip it around the post.

But more drama ensued as the Comedians surrounded referee Paxman to complain that Blaine had moved illegally. Paxman took the precaution of punching Daniels in the face for a third time, before talking to the fourth official who was able to confirm that Blaine had used street levitation to reach Millican’s strike and as such should be carded immediately and the penalty retaken. Millican buried the retake with characteristic precision and the game ended all square.

In looking ahead to the weekend games it is clear that there isn’t much to get excited about. One big game dominates of course, and that is the Westminister cross party team, Eton Rangers, taking on a Teachers invitational XI in the traditional toffs against the teachers Easter clash. Slim pickings indeed.