Dynamo Labourista v Atlético La Lobby – MMA Smackdown 2014

The rules of the annual Labourista v La Lobby charity match were revised this year from the usual ninety minutes of association football to a balls-to-the wall MMA last-man-standing cage fight. The eastern Manchester theatre of dreams was once again on venue duty and referee Hunt was on loan from the PCC to helm this special occasion.

Lining up for the Labourista were a number of their first choice XI, noteably Slim Jim Murphy, Sadiq Smackdown Khan, Dave Hellboy Hodges, and their superstar striker Ballsabio.

The journalists lined up with a strong squad on paper, particularly Gram De Maniac (Western Morning News), Georgio Scotty Parker (The FT), and Matt Digger Dathan (The Times). Their team was rounded off with Rob Mayhem Merrick (Northern Echo) on midfield enforcement duty, but unfortunately BBC Salford Exiles hard man, Niko Robinho, was unable to pass a late fitness test after sustaining a groin injury in a recent drive-by press conference from a questionable challenge by Red Star Sconationnallez first choice striker Axel Slammin.

Referee Hunt blew up to begin proceedings and the journalists proved to be the quicker starters with De Maniac moving around the octagon like lightning. The Labourista had no answer for De Maniac’s butterfly footwork and he effortlessly pinned Slim Jim Murphy to the deck with his two-fingers-of-death signature move, which was neatly followed up by a textbook neck-breaker. Slim Jim tapped out before passing out and it was one up for the journalists.

Next up was Georgio Scotty Parker who went mano a mano with Smackdown Khan. Khan is a wily old fox, and used all his skill in misdirection and confusalisation to manoeuvre Parker to best exploit Scotty’s suspect knee. But Parker had seen Khan coming and whipped around at the last second, cleverly feigning a reverse-scorpion before landing Khan squarely with a spine-ripper, and as he followed up with the jaws-of-death Khan could take no more and bugged out with a double tap. Two nil to the journalists and the match was slipping away from the Labourista for the second year in a row.

The octagon remained busy with several one-on-one battles that delighted the crowd, but the scoreline remained at two nil as Ballsabio stepped up to assume responsibility for turning the match around. He faced Mayhem Merrick and the two players immediately squared up under referee Hunt’s diverted gaze with neither man willing a give an inch.

As Hunt blew up it was Ballsabio who landed some early doors pre-emptive retribution and he delighted the club Etihad crowd with a brutal two handed kidney-jack-knife which temporarily brought Mayhem down to one knee. But Mayhem shook off this early punishment and was soon back on his feet worrying Ballsabio’s weak left sided defence strategy.

The contest was nearly over when Ballsabio made his final move and he controversially caught Merrick with an elbow-of-righteous-justice right into his fizzog, which opened the claret taps on Mayhem’s eyebrow and covered the octagon’s canvas with journoblood. Although referee Hunt had managed to not see the incident he had no choice but to blow up to stop the game while the mat was hosed down.

After speaking with his fourth official, referee Hunt once again managed to keep his cards in his pocket and ruled the incident as entirely accidental and contrary to the interests of the general public to pursue any further.

As the game neared its end, a beautiful spell in the octagon from Hellboy Hodges almost brought the Labourista back into the match, as he risked everything with his bladed-hand-of-eternal-retribution signature move aimed right into the lower back of the valiant Digger Dathan, temporarily ending Digger’s involvement as he hit the deck harder than a dead troll against a paywall.

But that proved to be a false dawn as the journalists rallied with lovely some late-doors grudgement. Digger Dathan was back in the action and scored an unbelievable quadruple-chainsaw-cobra on Smackdown Khan, sending Khan on a one way horizontal holiday to decksville, USA.

Hunt blew up and that was that. The match ended 3-1 to the journalistas.

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Georgio Osbo special report. Let’s cook austerity

Gameoftwo is delighted to bring you this special report, having been invited to spend a memorable afternoon with the Tory Young Boys’ superstar striker, Georgio Osbo, at his humble £10m townhouse.

In the culinary event of the year, Georgio generously opened up his presentation kitchen, one of three at his eleven bedroom city crash pad, and invited journalists to help him cook up some low cost savoury delights and chow on his tasty austerity hors d’œuvres.

“Austerity is not just a word that I say with my mouth, it is the foundation of my entire life.” ejaculated Osbo as he led us on a mazy walk from his informal reception hall through to the east wing of his humble abode.

“Take this wallpaper for instance. It is from Osborne and Little’s economy range, where a whole room can be covered for less than fifty thousand pounds!” although he later went on to clarify that fitting would, of course, be extra.

“And these corniche trimmings are from Osborne and Little’s supersaver product line, with only four carat gold infused thread rather than the usual twenty-four carat, hand spun filament. There are some real savings for the wise buyer in today’s soft goods market.”

After a few embarrassing wrong turns we eventually arrived at Osbo’s presentation kitchen, and he lost no time in showing us his humorous side by joking that this was the first time that he’d ever been in this particular room.

Osbo’s choice of dish was to be his signature entrée, a legend within the Mayfair fine dining underworld, the peerless and much imitated, mix de viands a la Osbo.

“The essence of my mix de viands is pure austerity.” promulgated Osbo. “Tinned meats, roughly cut sausages, and thin slices of beef. Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves. I stocked up on tinned reindeer meat from Nick Harvey’s in their January sale, and Iberian sausages are an absolute bargain at the moment given their economy is even more fucked than ours is.

“Top it off with waferised Wagyu beef, purchased by my manservant at Nick Harvey’s, thirty minutes before closing time when they knock the price down to only £99 per kilo!

“And of course, no mix de viands a la Osbo would be complete without a generous smearing of Rottingenden’s world famous pate de foie gras de riant. A unique and mouth watering pate, made with the ‘methode traditionelle’ where the geese are strapped into a velvet covered feeding harness with chains of pure silver, and then force fed while being lovingly tickled with antique ostrich feathers.

“With some judicious household purchasing, this dish should cost you no more than £125 per plate, perhaps even less if you are catering for fifty or more people.

“Of course, such a dish as the mix de viands a la Osbo would be completely ruined without the right presentation, and it is here that one can really distinguish oneself by following the Osbo doctrine of presentology and aesthetic assemblisation.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I humbly give you…. mix de viands a la Osbo!” and with a well practiced flourish he revealed the finished product to gasps of delight from the gathered news hounds.

This was no ordinary plate of meat, this was an epicurean masterpiece of bestial husbandry. I will try to describe the stunning sight that caressed our astounded eyes, but forgive me if I have to invent some new words to fully communicate the luxuriant rightness of this extraordinary wonder.

It rested on an antique porcelain platter of such delicate properties that to touch it was to break it, with a dazzling black enamel made entirely of volcanic glass that had been hand collected from the depths of the Kauai undersea channel. Obtaining the glass to make just this one plate had claimed the lives of three divers, whose souls, by local superstition, are said to be imprisoned for eternity in the smooth black plateware.

Around the edge of the dish was a bed of miniature rocket, with each individual leaf having been hand graded for size, thickness and length of stem. A preparation of vibrant flavourings had been injected into each stem, giving a range of taste sensations from the earthy warmness of a sizzling pheasant being roasted on a roaring fire, to the astringent bitterness of an angostura cocktail being consumed in a wood panelled gentlemen only dining room in a Pall Mall club.

Resting amongst the salad were marble sized globes of miniature tomatoes, each having been hand peeled with razor sharp scalpels by a crack team of gifted Nepalese peelologists, who by law can only work at an altitude of seven thousand metres above sea level. Each coloured skin had been delicately removed and then replaced upon a tomato of a different colour, having been stitched back together using an aniseed flavoured edible thread only one micron in width.

But there could be no doubt that the star of this triumphant platter was the meat, and the meat alone. The slices of Wagyu beef had been cut so thin, that in many countries they would be considered a lethal weapon that was capable of inflicting terrible injury. They had been sliced by a highly trained special ops chef who was forced to wear a high technology suit developed by NASA to survive the zero degree vacuum of the hyperbaric slicing chamber.

Accompanying the Wagyu were the Iberian delights, with each sausage having been individually opened up and delicately cut and arranged to resemble a burning red rose petal. The delicate petals were interlaced and then fused together by searing them over a fire made from a five hundred year old rose bush that had, until recently, been nurtured by ten generations of the same family outside a crofters cottage on a remote Scottish island.

The reindeer meat had been cut into perfect cubes by an industrial laser to ensure that each had exactly the same dimensions, which also sealed in the moist goodness of Christmas. We were not fooled by the apparently random dispersal of cubes over the dish, and it was later confirmed that each cube had been specifically put in place by a robotic arm to ensure that the layout mirrored that of the cosmic alignment of the stars on Christmas day over Lapland.

Nestling at the centre of the Iberian rose was a single scoop of Rottingenden’s pate de foie gras de riant, its pale colour being accentuated by the black volcanic glass to truly hint at the majesty of a goose in full flight over a glassy smooth lake Windermere in the early stages of what promised to be a glorious British summer.

The dish was finished with a classic Osbo touch. A robin redbreast sculpture made from a piece of fine linen that was rumoured to have once belonged to Mother Theresa. The priceless cloth had been folded into shape by Master Shinji Jakandi and his young son Shino, the current world champion father and son speed origami team, and holders of the world record for napkin manipulisation-grande-vitesse. The robin, a common but hardy British bird, had been chosen by Osbo after consulting a number of focus groups, and served to underline his roots as a common man of this great nation.

It was with a heavy heart that we departed Osbo towers at the end of a gastronomic afternoon that will live long in the memory. We will shortly get back to more footbally type things, so if you can be bothered then stay tuned.

Red Star Sconationnalez breakaway

Red Star Sconationnalez’s audacious bid to break away from the Westminister premiership comes to a head today as the club and its supporters vote on whether or not to set up a rival league with the Albainian All Stars, Kosovo Krusaders, and the Montenegro Molotovs.

Characteristically, Red Star Sconationnalez striker Axel Slammin was playing his usual aggressive game, with the BBC News PPE first choice striker, Niko Robinhio, feeling Slammin’s sharpened Scottish studs with a series of horrific two footed tackles at their recent impromptu kick around in the Edinburgh Airport departure lounge.

All the Westiminister Premiership heavyweights have been north of the border this week in a variety of attempts to claim valuable column inches to further their own twisted agendas. At the fore front of this was Hilario Farragusto who made a brave attempt to push the boundaries of hypocrisy to new levels by accusing Axel Slammin of inciting hatred against a foreign country.

A cross party Westminister black ops squad, headed by the Eton Rangers starting eleven, were reported to have been active in territory north of Carlisle in an attempt to directly engage Red Star’s support base and derail Slammin’s audacious plans. However, it was suggested that due to the difficulty in obtaining insurance cover for these high net worth individuals that each person was substituted at a late stage by a life size cardboard cut out, a fact that is supported by the uncharacteristically low number of reportable gaffs during their speeches. Conversely, many people who attended these speeches were reported to say that they were refreshingly full of common sense.

Dynamo Labourista even went as far as to send their second and third teams up to the scuffling Edinburgh epicentre of divisive madness, which a Brewers Green insider was quoted as calling “Operation Lambs to the Slaughter”. You may be pleased to know that as we go to print all but eight MP’s are now accounted for and are back in Westminster after successfully avoiding capture and catching the train home (this time in first class due to security concerns as there were no photographers present for the return trip).

Slammin was highly visible throughout the day and gave a number of drive-by press conferences to some suspiciously partisan spur of the moment crowds waving flags with his picture on. “I ‘ain’t promising you the Earth,” he shouted, before then going on to promise them the Earth. A bewildered English looking passer by later took the brunt of Slammin’s nationalistic rhetoric and was brutally impaled by Axel’s vigorously aggressive pointy finger as he raved, “ye can take my wife but ye cannae take my Edam!”, although in our defence his words were partially drowned out by the horn of a crude oil supertanker exiting Scottish territorial waters in a southeasterley direction.

The punch up continues, so watch this space.

Being mathematically certain.

Given a poor weekend of Westminister Premiership action it is natural for the committed football fan to turn his or her mind to other matters within the beautiful game. A sparse weekend of reportable action is not always an excuse to abandon all cerebral activity and retire to the sofa with a cold cylindrical inhibitor relaxant.

Accordingly, inspiration struck whilst halfway through a German brewed Stella Tortoise that the beautiful game has much in common with the discipline of pure mathematics. In fact there are many key mathematical disciplines that are embedded within the lexicon of the beautiful game and I have made a start in recognising these below.

Football Mathematics

Playing in triangles – It is a fact that Pythagoras never managed a team within the Premiership, but if he had, then this would have almost certainly been his first choice playing system. A favoured approach for our Spanish cousins in the Cortes Generales La Liga, involving a quick passing game between three revolving and highly mobile players. Most notably perfected by the legendary Olympiacos number eight, Hypot Enuse.

Fractions – The bedrock upon which football is built. There are many examples of the application of the laws of fractionality. Game of two halves, final third, half chance, half time, quarter final, centre half, half a yard offside, half a yard quicker, ratio of shots on target; the list is long and glorious. Within the game we should celebrate fractionalisation and proportionology, as match-day reporting would be impossible without it and ‘game of two playing periods’ sounds far too Bundesliga for my tastes.

Tables and division – Another fundamental part of the game. Governs the use of organisational technical terminology, for example; the table doesn’t lie, top of the table, top four, bottom three, drop a division, three points from safety, top of the table clash, mathematically certain and mid table obscurity. All indispensable in the modern game.

Geometry – The match day study concerned with questions of shape, size, relative position of players, and the properties of space. A footballer who has mastered all of these disciplines is called a Sky Pundit. We are talking about the centre circle, squaring the ball, all square, bisecting the back four, in the box, top corner, relative positioning, the defensive line, diamond formations and zonal play.

Its a numbers game – Where would we be without numbers to guide and control us within the beautiful game? Can you imagine a Talksport radio commentary without a second bookable offence, a six pointer, the double/treble/quadruple, cheeky one-twos, a critical three points from safety, a defence at sixes and sevens, eighteen yard boxes, false nines, strikers that are quick over five yards or being two games away from the final in Munich? No, neither can I, and all things being equal, we have to remember that at the end of the day the numbers don’t lie.

Time gentlemen please – It is a well established principle amongst mathematical physicists that the laws of the referees timepiece fall outside of Minkowski’s four dimensional manifold model. Only Association rules apply at 3pm on Saturday (SKY schedule allowing, check website for updates before travelling) where the concepts of extra time, ninety minutes to save a season, injury time, the six second keeper rule, slow motion ball boys, the referees watch, the Barcelona five second principle, the arcane mysteries of the fourth official’s board and the officialistic continuity warping of Fergie time are all constants within the one universal equation that the Large Hadron Collider has yet to find an answer for. Only the very best Punditologist can hope to transcend the shackles of regular space and time and truly reach enlightenment, as highlighted by this recent transcript from Monday Night Football.

GN: “Do not try and bend the ball around the wall. That’s impossible. Instead… only try to realise the truth.”
JC: “What truth?”
GN: “There is no ball.”
JC: “There is no ball?”
GN: “Then you’ll see, that it is not the ball that bends, it is only yourself.”
JC: “Mate, that is some deep mojo.”
GN: “Sorry, did I say ball, I meant burglar.”

Midweek matches and a look ahead to the weekend. April 25

The Westminister Premiership has had a quiet week, and if I were you, I would skip the first part of this review and scroll straight down to the more interesting action from the Annulax Variety league. The key game there was an eagerly anticipated inter-corporation clash in the BBC’s deserted White City car park, which proved to be a cracker Jack.

Arguably the highlight of the week in the Premiership was the game between United Kippers and FC News Internationallez, where the Kippers’ first choice striker and serial grudgulist, Hilario Faragusto, spent much of the match wearing his jihad face and staring menacingly towards the Internationallez bench.

The match report for that game is below, with the Internationallez being lucky to secure all three points from a contest that was full of incident. Referee Hunt managed to not see the majority of these and kept his cards in his pocket once again, but in our opinion all twenty four players should have seen red at some point.

Sadly, that game proved to be the highlight of the week, with Cameronaldo and Giorgio Osbo providing the low point in their International friendly with Zlatan Skanksa FFS. This was the first time this season where the Tory Young Boys have played their two superstars together as a strike-pairing, but the match had the feel of a late season run-out and the final whistle was a blessed relief.

The Tory Young Boys’ boardroom hit the headlines at the end of the week as their continuing off-the-ball spat with Boris Johansson of TFL Munchen Gladbach flared up for yet another heated exchange of pleasantries.

For some time, Johansson has been touted as the next manager of the Young Boys, and whilst ruling it out in the short term he remains vague about the future. Johansson refused to be drawn on the issue, with sources close to the flamboyant nutmeg specialist pointing out that this is Boris we are talking about, he doesn’t even know what he is doing next week, let alone next year.

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The Annulax Variety Championship lived up to its reputation for thrills, spills and controversy this week as the BBC’s deserted White City car park was once again put to good use as it hosted this inter-corporation match between the Top Gear MLC and the Crucible Rangers, with Referee Paxman on helming duty.

The Top Gear Mid-Life-Crisis star striker, Ron-Jeremy Clarkadonna, looked to be back to full fitness after his high profile switch onto e-cigarettes, and the MLC’s long haired play maker, Jammay, was in the starting line up as Clarkadonna’s left-sided straight man. The Crucible Rangers lined up with the legendary Jonnn Virgogo, with his in-form strike partner Stevie Davisi providing his usual devastating in-depth technical play to match Virgogo’s flair and charisma.

The match started at a furious pace, with Virgogo and Davisi working together to test the MLC keeper, Ricardi Hamsta, with some speculative early safety play. It wasn’t long before Virgogo managed to get some points on the board with an unstoppable cannon right into the top corner pocket from just outside the 18 yard baulk line.

Virgogo and Davisi kept the pressure on Hamsta for much of the first half, and were unlucky to have a goal disallowed by referee Paxman for an unintentional foul brown within the box. They went close again, with a long range deep screw which was cleared off the line by Clarkadonna as he returned from a fag break behind the goal. With Hamsta well beaten for both height and pace, that Clarkadonna interception kept MLC in the game as Paxman blew up for half time.

The second half saw a number of handling errors from Hamsta, but the Rangers were unable to add to their total, although the MLC had the better of the last ten minutes with some sustained pressure on the Rangers defensive unit of Parrott Blututh, Thorney Villey, Steven Hendrini, and Ken ‘psycho’ Doherty. The Rangers back four held firm, with some excellent positional play from the Crucible legends in keeping the MLC tucked up nicely inside the jaws of the baulk pockets.

Regardless of the Rangers’ good work, Clarkadonna’s class was obvious and his pressing game began to make the difference, but the two clear cut chances that he created were both ruined as Jammay twice strayed off-side, his attention apparently wandering whilst admiring the classic concrete lines of the White City architecture.

The Rangers’ manager, Barry Hearn, shuffled his deck late on and replaced Thorney Villey with the veteran Canadian cueologist, Cliff Thorburn. Thorburn, the globally recognised master of frame control and Professor Emeritus of Grindology, was able to use his encyclopedic knowledge of the laws of space and time to slow down the tempo to further frustrate the MLC.

But the MLC didn’t give up, and in stoppage time Clarkadonna beautifully nutmegged Steven Hendrini on the edge of the Rangers box and slid a perfectly weighted ball through to Jammay. The moment was setup perfectly for a grandstand finish, but Jammay’s well documented refusal to run on camera saw the chance go begging, and referee Paxman signalled a foul and a miss, giving the three points to the Rangers.

There were rumours of some unsavoury behaviour in the tunnel after the game, with Clarkadonna approaching Jammay with a tightly rolled up American Hot pizza and a look of determined malevolence, but it is reported that the two were distracted by Hamsta who was needed once again to act as peace maker by telling Clarkadonna that he had just seen a group of people who looked like jobless immigrants hanging around his Jag outside the ground.

Once again we look forward to a barren weekend of Westminister Premiership action, but rest assured that whatever crumbs of excitment we can pick up will be served up for your pleasure.

Tory Young Boys v Zlatan Skanska FFS. Match Report.

Tory Young Boys fielded a strong side against Zlatan Skanska FFS for this International friendly, hosted by the Swedish constructionistas in their HQ at the Rickmansworth theatre of dreams.

A highly partisan crowd filed into the ground in an orderly fashion to witness this late season friendly, and their diligent adherence to corporate decorum was rewarded with both Cameronaldo and Giorgio Obso being named on the team sheet together, the first time they have started as a strike-pairing this season.

Not everyone in the crowd seemed impressed however, and a number of the home support appeared disappointed that pre-match rumours of a surprise appearance by the James Last big band and happy sound had proven to be inaccurate. It was later reported that the section of the crowd that had to be humanly managed were all contractors, and had only been added to the firm-wide meeting request by mistake.

The game started brightly, with Cameronaldo and Giorgio Osbo combining nicely down the centre right, using tactics that had obviously been well honed on the training ground. They moved the ball fluently between them and around a compliant Skanska FFS defence, before ‘Naldo attempted a long range effort which only just missed the target when he said that he knows what really matters are the people who lie behind the employment figures. It is not known if he was referring to IDS, his under pressure left back also known as Indeep Smit.

Skanska began to push forwards as they started to remember the script, and their well-disciplined midmanagement unit asked a number of questions of the Young Boys’ strike pairing in the middle of the park.

But there was no obvious way around the Young Boys’ front two, and all questions asked of them were answered with the kind of ease that only hours spent rehearsing with the full expected transcript can bring.

The match ended goalless, which is a fair reflection of a game that lacked any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Perhaps next year the beautiful game of football would be better served by just issuing a press release instead.