Midweek matches and a look ahead to the weekend. April 25

The Westminister Premiership has had a quiet week, and if I were you, I would skip the first part of this review and scroll straight down to the more interesting action from the Annulax Variety league. The key game there was an eagerly anticipated inter-corporation clash in the BBC’s deserted White City car park, which proved to be a cracker Jack.

Arguably the highlight of the week in the Premiership was the game between United Kippers and FC News Internationallez, where the Kippers’ first choice striker and serial grudgulist, Hilario Faragusto, spent much of the match wearing his jihad face and staring menacingly towards the Internationallez bench.

The match report for that game is below, with the Internationallez being lucky to secure all three points from a contest that was full of incident. Referee Hunt managed to not see the majority of these and kept his cards in his pocket once again, but in our opinion all twenty four players should have seen red at some point.

Sadly, that game proved to be the highlight of the week, with Cameronaldo and Giorgio Osbo providing the low point in their International friendly with Zlatan Skanksa FFS. This was the first time this season where the Tory Young Boys have played their two superstars together as a strike-pairing, but the match had the feel of a late season run-out and the final whistle was a blessed relief.

The Tory Young Boys’ boardroom hit the headlines at the end of the week as their continuing off-the-ball spat with Boris Johansson of TFL Munchen Gladbach flared up for yet another heated exchange of pleasantries.

For some time, Johansson has been touted as the next manager of the Young Boys, and whilst ruling it out in the short term he remains vague about the future. Johansson refused to be drawn on the issue, with sources close to the flamboyant nutmeg specialist pointing out that this is Boris we are talking about, he doesn’t even know what he is doing next week, let alone next year.

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The Annulax Variety Championship lived up to its reputation for thrills, spills and controversy this week as the BBC’s deserted White City car park was once again put to good use as it hosted this inter-corporation match between the Top Gear MLC and the Crucible Rangers, with Referee Paxman on helming duty.

The Top Gear Mid-Life-Crisis star striker, Ron-Jeremy Clarkadonna, looked to be back to full fitness after his high profile switch onto e-cigarettes, and the MLC’s long haired play maker, Jammay, was in the starting line up as Clarkadonna’s left-sided straight man. The Crucible Rangers lined up with the legendary Jonnn Virgogo, with his in-form strike partner Stevie Davisi providing his usual devastating in-depth technical play to match Virgogo’s flair and charisma.

The match started at a furious pace, with Virgogo and Davisi working together to test the MLC keeper, Ricardi Hamsta, with some speculative early safety play. It wasn’t long before Virgogo managed to get some points on the board with an unstoppable cannon right into the top corner pocket from just outside the 18 yard baulk line.

Virgogo and Davisi kept the pressure on Hamsta for much of the first half, and were unlucky to have a goal disallowed by referee Paxman for an unintentional foul brown within the box. They went close again, with a long range deep screw which was cleared off the line by Clarkadonna as he returned from a fag break behind the goal. With Hamsta well beaten for both height and pace, that Clarkadonna interception kept MLC in the game as Paxman blew up for half time.

The second half saw a number of handling errors from Hamsta, but the Rangers were unable to add to their total, although the MLC had the better of the last ten minutes with some sustained pressure on the Rangers defensive unit of Parrott Blututh, Thorney Villey, Steven Hendrini, and Ken ‘psycho’ Doherty. The Rangers back four held firm, with some excellent positional play from the Crucible legends in keeping the MLC tucked up nicely inside the jaws of the baulk pockets.

Regardless of the Rangers’ good work, Clarkadonna’s class was obvious and his pressing game began to make the difference, but the two clear cut chances that he created were both ruined as Jammay twice strayed off-side, his attention apparently wandering whilst admiring the classic concrete lines of the White City architecture.

The Rangers’ manager, Barry Hearn, shuffled his deck late on and replaced Thorney Villey with the veteran Canadian cueologist, Cliff Thorburn. Thorburn, the globally recognised master of frame control and Professor Emeritus of Grindology, was able to use his encyclopedic knowledge of the laws of space and time to slow down the tempo to further frustrate the MLC.

But the MLC didn’t give up, and in stoppage time Clarkadonna beautifully nutmegged Steven Hendrini on the edge of the Rangers box and slid a perfectly weighted ball through to Jammay. The moment was setup perfectly for a grandstand finish, but Jammay’s well documented refusal to run on camera saw the chance go begging, and referee Paxman signalled a foul and a miss, giving the three points to the Rangers.

There were rumours of some unsavoury behaviour in the tunnel after the game, with Clarkadonna approaching Jammay with a tightly rolled up American Hot pizza and a look of determined malevolence, but it is reported that the two were distracted by Hamsta who was needed once again to act as peace maker by telling Clarkadonna that he had just seen a group of people who looked like jobless immigrants hanging around his Jag outside the ground.

Once again we look forward to a barren weekend of Westminister Premiership action, but rest assured that whatever crumbs of excitment we can pick up will be served up for your pleasure.

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