FC News Internationallez v United Kippers. Match report.

This is the one fixture that is always guaranteed to be a bad tempered festival of grudge, and with both teams going swivelly eyeball to eyeball there was an exceptionally high handbag deployment ratio in this absorbing feast of blame dodging.

It is not a cliché to say that the joyous beauty of football was the loser in all of this, but this is a man’s game; a fact ably demonstrated by the Kippers’ star winger Marta Andreas-Villas-Boas, who made a number of crunching tackles. Even some of her own team felt her studs, with several hobbling off back to their kitchens and bedrooms to recuperate.

In first half stoppage time, Internationallez claimed a goal, courtesy of a calamitous Faragusto back pass which put the Kippers’ first choice keeper, Paolo Nuttini, under immense pressure in the box. Questions as to whether the ball had actually crossed the line remained unanswered, but the News Internationallez players surrounded referee Hunt and managed to persuade him that the award of a goal would be a proper and proportional response wholly in the interest of the general public.

As referee Hunt blew up all hell broke loose as Faragusto put his jihad face on and squared up to the Internationallez strike pairing of Alexi and Kenba Ber. Handbags, shoulder bags and at least one make-up case were seen flying around in the box as Hunt struggled to regain control. Fortunately, the smell of the half time pork pies being heated up took the sting out of the confrontation and allowed referee Hunt to once again keep his cards in his pocket.

As the players left the pitch Faragusto could be heard arguing fiercely with anyone who was willing to listen to him, citing his record-breaking match day work-rate, and in our analysis the Opta stats certainly back that up. They show he has covered more distance than any other first choice striker in the European leagues, although it must be said that Faragusto himself refuses to recognise the stats as they are only listed in kilometres.

The problem Faragusto faces in arguing with the Internationallez is that just about everybody is sick of hearing how hard he works, and many top players on other European teams are worried that it might set a disturbing precedent which the rest of them may have to follow.

It doesn’t help matters that the Kippers’ training ground in Lyminster is available to them rent free, providing they remember to clean the kitchen and don’t mind sharing with the WI on a Thursday and Friday evening. It has since been revealed that the Westminister Sporting Board will look closely at this arrangement, as further damaging claims that the Kippers also enjoy free cakes supplied by the ladies after the Thursday night baking workshop began to circulate in the press.

On the plus side, Faragusto was reported to be relieved that the free cake story only crumbled into the public domain after his Friday evening guest 5-a-side appearance in the Variety League, where he played a solid game as the right sided whipping boy for the HIGNFY Inquisition. It is not known whether the Inquisitor’s star striker, I am Hislop, would be seeking a rematch or not, but it is considered unlikely that Hislop would pass up an opportunity of this quality. We have heard reports that the on-call team of HIGNFY writers have already been dispatched to London W1 by minibus where they are furiously working on gags about grain storage and forgetting to mention that you don’t need to pay the rent.

Incidents littered the second half but no further goals were scored. Despite a number of serious looking injuries and countless off the ball incidents referee Hunt was able to not see the majority of them, although he did tick off the fourth official for failing to properly document his pre match checking of the two goal nets.

Pictures posted on twitter of Cameronaldo, Clegginigge, and Millibandini sharing a family sized bag of popcorn while watching the game on Sky were quickly deleted yesterday evening, but there is no doubt that this whole drama plays into the hands of the other teams, particularly some of the European super-heavyweight clubs, who must be looking on at the Westminister Premiership self-destruction with a distinct sense of schadenfreude.

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