Midweek matches and a look ahead to the weekend. April 11

We’ve had a busy week keeping up with all the action from the various leagues.  Here is our weekly roundup of the key games played in the Westmininister Premier, as well as a top of the table clash in the Variety Championship.

It is not a cliche to say that at this stage of the season, every game is a cup final.  In the runup to the summer recess the Westminister Premiership is looking tight, and all the main teams have been guilty of profligate wastage at both ends of the pitch.

The main talking point involves Cameronaldo, tormentor in chief for the Blues against the Dynamo Labourista, being badly fouled whilst menacing the Dynamo box, by his own right back Mari Millaclaymovitch.  Mari had been playing a solid, although somewhat anonymous, game up to that point, but quite what made her sprint 50 yards up the pitch to take out Cameronaldo from behind remains a mystery.

That incident lit the blue touchpaper, as Millaclaymovitch refused to show the referee her shirt number (although this was later denied by her legal team) and just shrugged and walked back up the pitch whilst whistling Parklife by Blur and giving the home fans the finger. Amazing scenes followed as Cameronaldo attempted to distract the ref from pulling out the red by offering Mari his full and unconditional support. We carried out a lip reading analysis of the television footage using the most qualified person we could find at short notice on the Gumtree, and ‘naldo appears to argue that Millaclaymovitch’s actions are just how they roll down the ‘stoke, so chill bro. The incident is brought to an end by some clever off-the-ball tactical play from Mikaeli Govista, who takes one for the team by attempting the Wham rap within earshot of the fourth official, a straight red card offence under the principles of natural law.

Dynamo couldn’t monopolise on the numerical advantage, and yet another nil-nil draw left their manager in a precarious position, particularly as she refused to leave her soundproof box for the entire duration of the game.

Of the other games this week, the highlights were few and far between. Partisan Libra DC continued their race into the relegation places with a shaky display against United Kippers, whose charismatic striker, Hilario Faragusto, caught the DC keeper off his line on two separate occasions to score a brace. Its not the first time that the DC first choice keeper has been chipped this season. In his defence, Cleggenigge claimed that he had been distracted by an injured sparrow on the pitch for the first goal, and the second goal should not have stood due to a suspected pact between Faragusto and the descendants of an ancient Mayan clan of Shamen, who predicted a critical alignment of the solar system would cause micro rays of sun to be reflected from the match ball, hence temporarily blinding him. As he stomped off he could be heard arguing that Faragusto should have been shown a straight red for colluding with an extinct race of ancient beings, or failing that, at least a yellow for the use of aggressive astronomy within the box.

Elsewhere around the Westminister Premiership, discussions are still under way as to whether Red Star Sconationnalez should play a part in next years fixture list or not. Red Star have been in talks with Barry Hearn about setting up a rival breakaway league with the Albainian All Stars, Kosovo Krusaders, and the Montenegro Molotovs, and the club and it’s supporters are due to vote on the proposal at the start of the next season. Red Star Sconationnalez striker Axel Slammin has been quoted as saying that whilst they can take his wife they can’t take his edam, but it was later claimed that the noise of a passing petrol tanker heading south towards Sunderland had caused journalists to misinterpret his words.

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The Annulax Variety Championship once again lived up to its reputation for thrills, spills and controversy this week as the Stage Magicians XI took on The Panel Show Comedians for the much anticipated top of the table clash in the BBC’s deserted White City car park.

The magicians took an early lead with some excellent work from Penn and Teller down the left flank, using all their skills in misdirection to fool the Comedians back four into thinking that Teller was about to be run over by a truck. Penn needed no second opportunity to feed a lovely floating ball through to Copperfield, who was playing only his first start since the tiger incident with the Reality TV All Stars, and he slotted home from six yards out past a stunned Donal Macintyre. It has since emerged that first choice keeper Michael Macintyre’s agent had booked the wrong celebrity for the match due to a freak swarm of bees.

The Comedians kept working hard and were awarded a controversial penalty ten minutes from time, as Stewart Lee went down in the box under a challenge from veteran prestidigitator Paul Daniels. A heated discussion ensued as Daniels insisted that Lee had gone down only in an ironic sense, and whilst admirable from an artistic viewpoint, should merit no more than an indirect free kick inside the area. Referee Paxman was having none of that, and after twice punching Daniels in the face he had no further hesitation in pointing to the spot. Later accusations of bias were fiercely denied by referee Paxman, and an incident during a previous game at the White City where a Daniels botched clearance had broken a window on one of Paxman’s vintage Aston Martins did not play a part in the award of the penalty.

Up stepped the Comedians top scorer, Sarah Millican, who faced David Blaine. The Magicians star keeper had kept twelve consecutive clean sheets and as Millican aimed an almost perfect strike towards the top corner he somehow managed to get a hand to it and tip it around the post.

But more drama ensued as the Comedians surrounded referee Paxman to complain that Blaine had moved illegally. Paxman took the precaution of punching Daniels in the face for a third time, before talking to the fourth official who was able to confirm that Blaine had used street levitation to reach Millican’s strike and as such should be carded immediately and the penalty retaken. Millican buried the retake with characteristic precision and the game ended all square.

In looking ahead to the weekend games it is clear that there isn’t much to get excited about. One big game dominates of course, and that is the Westminister cross party team, Eton Rangers, taking on a Teachers invitational XI in the traditional toffs against the teachers Easter clash. Slim pickings indeed.

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