TFL Munchen Gladbach v Lokomotiv RMT. First leg match report.

At last, a game in the Westminister Premiership that is worthy of report. A full on my-dad-is-bigger-than-your-dad public shoving match between two of the London heavyweight teams, Lokomotiv RMT and TFL Munchen Gladbach.

TFL line up with their first choice XI, their spearhead being the charismatic striker Boris Johanssen, with Mick “big boy” Brown as the midfield engine room doing the majority of Boris’s dirty work through the middle of the park. The Lokomotiv line up has changed recently, with their talismanic Professor Emeritus of strikeology, Bob Crow, having recently passed on to fight the red struggle in the sky. RIP. He is replaced by a four way strike partnership comprising Jonno Leach, J9 “psycho” Booth, Pat “copter” Sikorski and Steve “the colonel” Hedley.

That line-up constituted a huge gamble for Lokomotiv RMT in a match of this importance, having taken the risky decision to use an untested four way strike partnership to lead the attack. Helming duty was assumed by ACAS, with Annie “we can work it out” Sharp as the woman in black.

Kick off for this four day test match was scheduled for Monday at 9.30pm, with the game due to run through to early Thursday morning, depending of course on whether either team had any players left on the pitch, or had run out of playground insults to hurl into their opponents box.

As is usual for these games, the grudgement started early, with various low level spokesgrumblers for both teams beginning to engage with the press early on Monday morning. Levels of vitriol and misinformation continued to rise throughout the day and peaked when the west end final edition of the Standard went to bed and refused to come out from under the covers until the naughty boys and girls stopped shouting at each other.

As referee Sharp blew up to start the match the Lokomotiv RMT four way strike team were immediately in action as they began an argument amongst themselves as to who should assume the position at the head of the four way diamond formation that the committee had suggested they adopt.

Big Boy Brown was in like Flynn, and he opened the scoring by keeping the entirety of the Northern Line running with only minimal delays to the service. That really was a beautiful effort from Brown, and with the Lokomotiv strike team still playing four way paper-rock-scissors in the centre circle one began to fear that this might end with a cricket score.

But that Brown effort seemed to wake up the Lokomotiv and “psycho” Booth, with her signature move, made her play when the other’s backs were turned as they discussed the merits of setting up a focus group.

She was through the middle before Big Boy could do anything about it, and with Johanssen having his usual anonymous early game she met little resistance. Booth took a hard-line stance on the edge of the TFL box and aimed an unstoppable strike that seemed to be hell bent for the top corner of the TFL goal.

The next few hours crawled by at a significantly slower pace, with both teams reversing their team buses in front of their respective goals, while critisising the other team for unsportsmanlike play.

There were a number unsavoury incidents involving the crowd as the match developed, with reports that some TFL season ticket holders had constructed a small portable gallows whilst waiting in a one-mile long bus queue outside of the ground, but these remain unconfirmed.

Previous games between these two teams often contained some high quality late-doors grudgement, but this game seemed hell bent on petering out with a whimper and it finished one apiece. We face a second round of this in the return leg next week.

All in all an underwhelming game, and many observers were heard to say that this wasn’t like the quality strikes we used to have when Big Bob was at the helm.

Being mathematically certain.

Given a poor weekend of Westminister Premiership action it is natural for the committed football fan to turn his or her mind to other matters within the beautiful game. A sparse weekend of reportable action is not always an excuse to abandon all cerebral activity and retire to the sofa with a cold cylindrical inhibitor relaxant.

Accordingly, inspiration struck whilst halfway through a German brewed Stella Tortoise that the beautiful game has much in common with the discipline of pure mathematics. In fact there are many key mathematical disciplines that are embedded within the lexicon of the beautiful game and I have made a start in recognising these below.

Football Mathematics

Playing in triangles – It is a fact that Pythagoras never managed a team within the Premiership, but if he had, then this would have almost certainly been his first choice playing system. A favoured approach for our Spanish cousins in the Cortes Generales La Liga, involving a quick passing game between three revolving and highly mobile players. Most notably perfected by the legendary Olympiacos number eight, Hypot Enuse.

Fractions – The bedrock upon which football is built. There are many examples of the application of the laws of fractionality. Game of two halves, final third, half chance, half time, quarter final, centre half, half a yard offside, half a yard quicker, ratio of shots on target; the list is long and glorious. Within the game we should celebrate fractionalisation and proportionology, as match-day reporting would be impossible without it and ‘game of two playing periods’ sounds far too Bundesliga for my tastes.

Tables and division – Another fundamental part of the game. Governs the use of organisational technical terminology, for example; the table doesn’t lie, top of the table, top four, bottom three, drop a division, three points from safety, top of the table clash, mathematically certain and mid table obscurity. All indispensable in the modern game.

Geometry – The match day study concerned with questions of shape, size, relative position of players, and the properties of space. A footballer who has mastered all of these disciplines is called a Sky Pundit. We are talking about the centre circle, squaring the ball, all square, bisecting the back four, in the box, top corner, relative positioning, the defensive line, diamond formations and zonal play.

Its a numbers game – Where would we be without numbers to guide and control us within the beautiful game? Can you imagine a Talksport radio commentary without a second bookable offence, a six pointer, the double/treble/quadruple, cheeky one-twos, a critical three points from safety, a defence at sixes and sevens, eighteen yard boxes, false nines, strikers that are quick over five yards or being two games away from the final in Munich? No, neither can I, and all things being equal, we have to remember that at the end of the day the numbers don’t lie.

Time gentlemen please – It is a well established principle amongst mathematical physicists that the laws of the referees timepiece fall outside of Minkowski’s four dimensional manifold model. Only Association rules apply at 3pm on Saturday (SKY schedule allowing, check website for updates before travelling) where the concepts of extra time, ninety minutes to save a season, injury time, the six second keeper rule, slow motion ball boys, the referees watch, the Barcelona five second principle, the arcane mysteries of the fourth official’s board and the officialistic continuity warping of Fergie time are all constants within the one universal equation that the Large Hadron Collider has yet to find an answer for. Only the very best Punditologist can hope to transcend the shackles of regular space and time and truly reach enlightenment, as highlighted by this recent transcript from Monday Night Football.

GN: “Do not try and bend the ball around the wall. That’s impossible. Instead… only try to realise the truth.”
JC: “What truth?”
GN: “There is no ball.”
JC: “There is no ball?”
GN: “Then you’ll see, that it is not the ball that bends, it is only yourself.”
JC: “Mate, that is some deep mojo.”
GN: “Sorry, did I say ball, I meant burglar.”

Midweek matches and a look ahead to the weekend. April 25

The Westminister Premiership has had a quiet week, and if I were you, I would skip the first part of this review and scroll straight down to the more interesting action from the Annulax Variety league. The key game there was an eagerly anticipated inter-corporation clash in the BBC’s deserted White City car park, which proved to be a cracker Jack.

Arguably the highlight of the week in the Premiership was the game between United Kippers and FC News Internationallez, where the Kippers’ first choice striker and serial grudgulist, Hilario Faragusto, spent much of the match wearing his jihad face and staring menacingly towards the Internationallez bench.

The match report for that game is below, with the Internationallez being lucky to secure all three points from a contest that was full of incident. Referee Hunt managed to not see the majority of these and kept his cards in his pocket once again, but in our opinion all twenty four players should have seen red at some point.

Sadly, that game proved to be the highlight of the week, with Cameronaldo and Giorgio Osbo providing the low point in their International friendly with Zlatan Skanksa FFS. This was the first time this season where the Tory Young Boys have played their two superstars together as a strike-pairing, but the match had the feel of a late season run-out and the final whistle was a blessed relief.

The Tory Young Boys’ boardroom hit the headlines at the end of the week as their continuing off-the-ball spat with Boris Johansson of TFL Munchen Gladbach flared up for yet another heated exchange of pleasantries.

For some time, Johansson has been touted as the next manager of the Young Boys, and whilst ruling it out in the short term he remains vague about the future. Johansson refused to be drawn on the issue, with sources close to the flamboyant nutmeg specialist pointing out that this is Boris we are talking about, he doesn’t even know what he is doing next week, let alone next year.

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The Annulax Variety Championship lived up to its reputation for thrills, spills and controversy this week as the BBC’s deserted White City car park was once again put to good use as it hosted this inter-corporation match between the Top Gear MLC and the Crucible Rangers, with Referee Paxman on helming duty.

The Top Gear Mid-Life-Crisis star striker, Ron-Jeremy Clarkadonna, looked to be back to full fitness after his high profile switch onto e-cigarettes, and the MLC’s long haired play maker, Jammay, was in the starting line up as Clarkadonna’s left-sided straight man. The Crucible Rangers lined up with the legendary Jonnn Virgogo, with his in-form strike partner Stevie Davisi providing his usual devastating in-depth technical play to match Virgogo’s flair and charisma.

The match started at a furious pace, with Virgogo and Davisi working together to test the MLC keeper, Ricardi Hamsta, with some speculative early safety play. It wasn’t long before Virgogo managed to get some points on the board with an unstoppable cannon right into the top corner pocket from just outside the 18 yard baulk line.

Virgogo and Davisi kept the pressure on Hamsta for much of the first half, and were unlucky to have a goal disallowed by referee Paxman for an unintentional foul brown within the box. They went close again, with a long range deep screw which was cleared off the line by Clarkadonna as he returned from a fag break behind the goal. With Hamsta well beaten for both height and pace, that Clarkadonna interception kept MLC in the game as Paxman blew up for half time.

The second half saw a number of handling errors from Hamsta, but the Rangers were unable to add to their total, although the MLC had the better of the last ten minutes with some sustained pressure on the Rangers defensive unit of Parrott Blututh, Thorney Villey, Steven Hendrini, and Ken ‘psycho’ Doherty. The Rangers back four held firm, with some excellent positional play from the Crucible legends in keeping the MLC tucked up nicely inside the jaws of the baulk pockets.

Regardless of the Rangers’ good work, Clarkadonna’s class was obvious and his pressing game began to make the difference, but the two clear cut chances that he created were both ruined as Jammay twice strayed off-side, his attention apparently wandering whilst admiring the classic concrete lines of the White City architecture.

The Rangers’ manager, Barry Hearn, shuffled his deck late on and replaced Thorney Villey with the veteran Canadian cueologist, Cliff Thorburn. Thorburn, the globally recognised master of frame control and Professor Emeritus of Grindology, was able to use his encyclopedic knowledge of the laws of space and time to slow down the tempo to further frustrate the MLC.

But the MLC didn’t give up, and in stoppage time Clarkadonna beautifully nutmegged Steven Hendrini on the edge of the Rangers box and slid a perfectly weighted ball through to Jammay. The moment was setup perfectly for a grandstand finish, but Jammay’s well documented refusal to run on camera saw the chance go begging, and referee Paxman signalled a foul and a miss, giving the three points to the Rangers.

There were rumours of some unsavoury behaviour in the tunnel after the game, with Clarkadonna approaching Jammay with a tightly rolled up American Hot pizza and a look of determined malevolence, but it is reported that the two were distracted by Hamsta who was needed once again to act as peace maker by telling Clarkadonna that he had just seen a group of people who looked like jobless immigrants hanging around his Jag outside the ground.

Once again we look forward to a barren weekend of Westminister Premiership action, but rest assured that whatever crumbs of excitment we can pick up will be served up for your pleasure.

Tory Young Boys v Zlatan Skanska FFS. Match Report.

Tory Young Boys fielded a strong side against Zlatan Skanska FFS for this International friendly, hosted by the Swedish constructionistas in their HQ at the Rickmansworth theatre of dreams.

A highly partisan crowd filed into the ground in an orderly fashion to witness this late season friendly, and their diligent adherence to corporate decorum was rewarded with both Cameronaldo and Giorgio Obso being named on the team sheet together, the first time they have started as a strike-pairing this season.

Not everyone in the crowd seemed impressed however, and a number of the home support appeared disappointed that pre-match rumours of a surprise appearance by the James Last big band and happy sound had proven to be inaccurate. It was later reported that the section of the crowd that had to be humanly managed were all contractors, and had only been added to the firm-wide meeting request by mistake.

The game started brightly, with Cameronaldo and Giorgio Osbo combining nicely down the centre right, using tactics that had obviously been well honed on the training ground. They moved the ball fluently between them and around a compliant Skanska FFS defence, before ‘Naldo attempted a long range effort which only just missed the target when he said that he knows what really matters are the people who lie behind the employment figures. It is not known if he was referring to IDS, his under pressure left back also known as Indeep Smit.

Skanska began to push forwards as they started to remember the script, and their well-disciplined midmanagement unit asked a number of questions of the Young Boys’ strike pairing in the middle of the park.

But there was no obvious way around the Young Boys’ front two, and all questions asked of them were answered with the kind of ease that only hours spent rehearsing with the full expected transcript can bring.

The match ended goalless, which is a fair reflection of a game that lacked any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Perhaps next year the beautiful game of football would be better served by just issuing a press release instead.

Fax machine delivery for Brewer’s Green as transfer window opens.

The main reason behind Dynamo Labourista’s recent move to their new Brewer’s Green training ground was to provide their first XI with a lower cost more suitable platform for their 2015 assault on the Westminister Premiership title. Unfortunately, given their recent lack of high profile signings, it would appear that the sub-committee responsible for the move forgot to include one essential piece of hardware on the project plan, the humble fax machine.

It is not a cliche to say that the 1980’s arrival of fax technology into the executive boardroom has revolutionised the business of transfer wheeler-dealing. Gone are the days of a club having to maintain a stable full of thoughroughbred stallions for the inevitable close-of-window fast ride into London, and many of the lofts that were traditionally used to communicate with the player’s agents are now free of birds completely.

But fortune was to smile on the Labourista, and it was reported that they were able to secure a suitable device with a 50% off voucher code from the Staples website.

Millibandini appeared to lose no time in getting it loaded with paper, and sent off a request for an International Clearance to the Westminister Sporting Board for a high profile signing from the American leagues.

Davros A-Rod had been persuaded to switch codes from MLS soccer to premiership football by the Labourista magister of electionology, Doogie Axiomatic. Several Brewer’s Green insiders are reported to have said that that A-Rod had been tapped-up by Millibandini and Axiomatic some time ago, and they were just waiting for the technology to arrive before making the final approach.

It is safe to assume that A-Rod’s signing is partially in response to Cameronaldo’s strengthening of his back office coaching staff, following his recent swoops for Lynching Crosby and Jame “I’m not the Messiah” Messia.

Partisan Libra DC also have their own high profile foreign superstar in the shape of Don Rylan Cortese, whose favoured position seems to be playing quietly through the middle of the park as Clegginigge’s first choice problem solver. Sources close to DCHQ have suggestted that Don Cortese has already acquired a reputation for providing innovative solutions to internal organisational problems, and, as one insider put it, Mr Cortese is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.

It is understood that results will be improving shortly as Cortese is now in regular training with the front bench first team, and has reportedly formed a potent strike partnership with the DC false-nine, Dannie Zander.

At a recent drive-by press conference, the DC first team physio, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, was asked if Partisan stood a chance in the 2015 premiership title race and was quoted as saying, “Yes… I mean, no… I mean, yes.” which shows a significant improvement in confidence that many are attributing to Don Cortese’s arrival.

Elsewhere around the Partisan Libra DC there seems to be an uncharacteristic silence surrounding the club’s operations, with a number of previously outspoken and prominent DC club members all unexpectedly being called away on extended vactions to the countryside, and are not expected back.

The DC veteran midfield general, Vinny Caball, was also unavailable for comment, but it is understood he is currently in Reading after falling asleep on his train journey home, and in his case, that is entirely believable.

We will bring you more innane guess work and unsubstantiated drivel as soon as we hear it, so if you can be bothered, then stay tuned.

Bercorini condemns commons refit proposal

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Joni Bercorini has publicly condemned plans by the Blues star striker, Cameronaldo, which we understand to involve a major upgrade of the Commons stadium PA system.

It is believed that Cameronaldo had tasked a team of external consultants to improve the sound quality within the venue, and lead contractor, Lemmy from Motorhead, had put together an audacious plan to install quadrophonic Marshall stacks within each corner of the historic chamber.

The plan had received unilateral cross party support, and had passed the initial committee agreement phase before Bercorini returned early from his holiday home in Lake Como to find a number of roadies colluding with Black Rod to check if the doorways were large enough for the mixing desks and amplifier racks.

Rumour has it that Cameronaldo had initially told his spokesmanship Bercorini that the Commons was looking a little tired, and could benefit from a little “freshening up” with perhaps a few licks of Deep Purple. Bercorini reportedly approved of that and happily signed it off, as purple is a regal colour that would perfectly complement his golden skin tone. Cameronaldo was delighted that the speaker was pleased, and suggested that the best lick of the Purple to go for was the classic original mix of Smoke on the Water, which has a lovely deep tone.

Uncertainty now surrounds the project, and initial reports of The Alan Parsons Project being booked for the official switching-on with a reprise of their first album, Tales of Mystery and Imagination, remain unconfirmed.

It is alleged that Bercorini has put forward a counter proposal involving the redevelopment of the public gallery into a performance space for an acoustic band of wandering minstrels that are currently enjoying his favoured patronage.

The likely outcome to all this is that despite having spent many days in debate, absolutely nothing will happen. In other words, normal business will be resumed shortly.

FC News Internationallez v United Kippers. Match report.

This is the one fixture that is always guaranteed to be a bad tempered festival of grudge, and with both teams going swivelly eyeball to eyeball there was an exceptionally high handbag deployment ratio in this absorbing feast of blame dodging.

It is not a cliché to say that the joyous beauty of football was the loser in all of this, but this is a man’s game; a fact ably demonstrated by the Kippers’ star winger Marta Andreas-Villas-Boas, who made a number of crunching tackles. Even some of her own team felt her studs, with several hobbling off back to their kitchens and bedrooms to recuperate.

In first half stoppage time, Internationallez claimed a goal, courtesy of a calamitous Faragusto back pass which put the Kippers’ first choice keeper, Paolo Nuttini, under immense pressure in the box. Questions as to whether the ball had actually crossed the line remained unanswered, but the News Internationallez players surrounded referee Hunt and managed to persuade him that the award of a goal would be a proper and proportional response wholly in the interest of the general public.

As referee Hunt blew up all hell broke loose as Faragusto put his jihad face on and squared up to the Internationallez strike pairing of Alexi and Kenba Ber. Handbags, shoulder bags and at least one make-up case were seen flying around in the box as Hunt struggled to regain control. Fortunately, the smell of the half time pork pies being heated up took the sting out of the confrontation and allowed referee Hunt to once again keep his cards in his pocket.

As the players left the pitch Faragusto could be heard arguing fiercely with anyone who was willing to listen to him, citing his record-breaking match day work-rate, and in our analysis the Opta stats certainly back that up. They show he has covered more distance than any other first choice striker in the European leagues, although it must be said that Faragusto himself refuses to recognise the stats as they are only listed in kilometres.

The problem Faragusto faces in arguing with the Internationallez is that just about everybody is sick of hearing how hard he works, and many top players on other European teams are worried that it might set a disturbing precedent which the rest of them may have to follow.

It doesn’t help matters that the Kippers’ training ground in Lyminster is available to them rent free, providing they remember to clean the kitchen and don’t mind sharing with the WI on a Thursday and Friday evening. It has since been revealed that the Westminister Sporting Board will look closely at this arrangement, as further damaging claims that the Kippers also enjoy free cakes supplied by the ladies after the Thursday night baking workshop began to circulate in the press.

On the plus side, Faragusto was reported to be relieved that the free cake story only crumbled into the public domain after his Friday evening guest 5-a-side appearance in the Variety League, where he played a solid game as the right sided whipping boy for the HIGNFY Inquisition. It is not known whether the Inquisitor’s star striker, I am Hislop, would be seeking a rematch or not, but it is considered unlikely that Hislop would pass up an opportunity of this quality. We have heard reports that the on-call team of HIGNFY writers have already been dispatched to London W1 by minibus where they are furiously working on gags about grain storage and forgetting to mention that you don’t need to pay the rent.

Incidents littered the second half but no further goals were scored. Despite a number of serious looking injuries and countless off the ball incidents referee Hunt was able to not see the majority of them, although he did tick off the fourth official for failing to properly document his pre match checking of the two goal nets.

Pictures posted on twitter of Cameronaldo, Clegginigge, and Millibandini sharing a family sized bag of popcorn while watching the game on Sky were quickly deleted yesterday evening, but there is no doubt that this whole drama plays into the hands of the other teams, particularly some of the European super-heavyweight clubs, who must be looking on at the Westminister Premiership self-destruction with a distinct sense of schadenfreude.